Introspective, Kind Of Depressing, Somewhat Hopeful

Friendship Square, Moscow, Idaho

I keep reading these blogs that review the past year-- a year in photos, a year of milestones, a year of highs and lows, a year of new beginnings, a photo-a-day of a happy life.  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have no desire to look back over the last year. Frankly, it wasn't that great. I'm not sure I have high hopes for 2013 either, but I am reserving judgement.

I turn 3-- this month. Okay, so I turn 38. I thought I would have a lot more of my life figured out by now--if not figured out, then at least written in semi-permanent marker in a brainstorm pattern. Instead it's all jumbled up. It's not even good enough to put on a dry erase board. Instead it is written out on an old chalkboard with a piece of really fat chalk. The words are chunky and barely legible and every time I try to erase and do over I choke on the dust pluming around my head.

See, I can't even use a succinct metaphor for my life. It's messy, it's erratic, it's offensive at times and it's always complicated. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad (back to the metaphor)-- sometimes, right in the middle of my messy chalkboard, there  is a beautiful colored-chalk drawing of an idyllic existence. Okay, the edges are usually smudged and it doesn't last long, but it's there-- written in big, loopy letters with hearts and bubbles dotting the i's.

I hear people say all the time they wouldn't change it (their life) for the world. I think that's baloney. Sure, there are things in my life I wouldn't change, but there are a heck of a lot of other things I wouldn't mind tweaking. I would start with parts of myself. I would trim the fat, both literally and figuratively. Lose the pounds, lose the part of myself that is always stunted by the need for approval, cut loose my fear of failure and craving for pastries. I would smooth down the hard edge of self-doubt and skim off all the negative energy sitting up there in my head.

In the end, it's all about being happy. Happy with the choices you have made that create the life you have now. I guess if I am not happy with my life, then I am not happy with my choices. It just means I have to make different choices, better choices. I think I can probably do that in 2013- we'll just have to see.

If you could tweak your life or yourself, what would you tweak?