Please Don't Touch The Baby - It Bites!

I don't know where this picture came from, but it makes my point.

There are way too many babies around lately. It seems as though everyone is either pregnant, has a newborn, or has a child under the age of one. They are in my office, my neighborhood, my favorite hangouts and on TV. Luckily, they are not in my house.

I used to get a deep yearning in my uterus every time I saw a baby - even an ugly baby. I would want to touch the baby's head, rub my fingers along its hairline and touch its little nose and small ears. I would get the urge to smell it and my arms would, of their own volition, reach out to hold it.

Now I see a baby and my first reaction is to smile and turn the other direction. Then I want to make sure anyone who is touching the baby has washed their hands and sanitized - both for the baby's sake and theirs.

Babies are gross.

Once you've had one, you're allowed to say that without judgement. Granted, there are a few babies I particularly enjoy, but they are related to me, so I don't think they technically count in the gross babies category (it really does depend on the day though).

My sweet nephew Aiden.

Reasons Babies Are Gross:

Babies have multiple bodily fluids emitting from many different places without a predictable timeline.

When babies get pimples everyone thinks it's cute. GAG- pimples are always gross.

Babies are like dogs. If you don't watch them they will eat anything.

When babies get teeth- biting is almost always acceptable. I'm not allowed to bite anyone unless I am being attacked in a dark alley- and even then, I might get some sort of disease, so I probably wouldn't do it anyway. So unfair.

Babies can make you feel really bad about yourself. Some babies love me, but with others it's like they have an Erin counter on them (like a Geiger counter). The closer they get to me the louder they scream.

Babies never say excuse me when they pass gas, yet people think it's hilarious. If I fart and don't say excuse me I get nasty looks.

Babies use their shirts as napkins.

People post pictures of babies all over the InterWebs- like they are baby kittens and puppies or something. Nothing is cuter than seeing baby kittens and puppies on the InterWebs.

Irresitable photo of a bulldog puppy.

Babies are boring. They don't laugh at my jokes and they never answer back (unless it's jibberish).


See, what did I tell you? Babies are gross.